I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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