sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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