It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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