I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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