i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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