im six kinds of drunk right now
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
