(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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