There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
