i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Congratulations! We have a period
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