I showed him my bush... on skype.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
