I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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