there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
