forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
