Even the bartender felt bad for me
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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