My friends, they love my intelligence
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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