xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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