meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
