I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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