how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
