My room smells like vodka and shame
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
