Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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