ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
