I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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