Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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