She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
