I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Just cropdusted the office
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
