Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
