420 ftw
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize