Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
