im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
