Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
He has the fingertips of a God
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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