the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
