I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
