unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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