I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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