Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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