I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
