im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
