OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
