I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
