Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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