My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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