so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
