I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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