I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I could make wine with my vomit
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
