I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize