you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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