I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So vagazzling was a success
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
