mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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