My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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