he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
