Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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