He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
