Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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