I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
