i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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