im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
