i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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