Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
