I must be too annoying 4 u.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
