I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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