Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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