so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
