U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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