Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize