bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
