phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
