I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
