im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize