if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My balls are so social today.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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