its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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